


There's No Going Back

by OnTheGround2012



Series: Stream of consciousness in 5 episodes [5]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Confessions, Emotions, Episode Related, Internal Monologue, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Realization, Romance, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-08 15:52:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8850958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnTheGround2012/pseuds/OnTheGround2012
Summary: Philip's feelings in the hospital scene where he kisses Lukas (1.09)





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my fifth fic for Eyewitness after ["You're Not This Guy"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8486389) (1.01), ["In Another World"](http://archiveofourown.org/chapters/19329193) (1.03), ["Everything You Wanted"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8632531) (1.06) and ["Nobody but Him"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8707414) (1.07).
> 
> I've wanted to write about Philip for a while now and after watching this episode where Tyler really blew my mind (because James always does), I felt very connected to this scene because Philip is the only one talking, so I felt like I needed to write about his feelings and this is the result. I hope it works for somebody.
> 
> Thank you to Ladysofialara and WhenAngelsFall for their feedback and support.

                                          

 

 

It's still difficult to believe this is happening. Somehow you feel guilty. Responsible. Maybe it's your fault that he's here.

And it's not just the fact that the people you are close to gets messed up.

Maybe if Gabe and Helen hadn't accepted to foster you, and you hadn't come here, none of this would have happened.

He wouldn't be here, unconscious.

In a coma.

You wouldn't have met him and he'd still have a girlfriend. His life would be motocross, school, Rose and his friends.

He wouldn't have been at the cabin that day.

He wouldn't have witnessed any murder.

He wouldn't have kissed a boy.

He wouldn't have been messed up afterwards.

His life would be easy. Like it used to be before you met him.

All that is true. You know it is. But it's not only that. Maybe if you had told Helen the truth, you could have identified the guy and he wouldn't be here either.

You feel guilty for so many reasons that you feel like your head is about to explode sometimes. You know the water trick won't help you this time, so you never try.

You feel like nothing can help you.

Nothing can make it better.

Nothing but him waking up.

That's all you want right now, so you start the video and you place it close to his ear so that he can hear his bike. His happy place.

 _Can you hear it?_ You ask.

Because when his dad asked you what he'd like to hear, it was easy.

You've never told him before and you regret it because you don't know if he'll ever wake up. And you don't know if he'll be the same person if he does.

Doubts keep filling your head and you look at him and you just say it. Even if he can't hear you but you hope he does.

Or maybe because you just need to hear yourself saying it for the first time.

Maybe before it's too late.

You wanna hear the way it sounds saying it to him.

_I love you.  
_

Because he's the first one.

Because you're not sure if he knew even if you hope he did.

And you're not even sure when that happened.

When you fell in love with him.

But you are.

And you kiss him just because you can.

Just because you want to be as close to him as you can.

Just because you don't know what is gonna happen to him.

Just because you don't want to lose him.

After everything you've been through. All those moments when you wondered why that was your life and not somebody else's. What was wrong with you.

After all that, now that you've finally found someone who truly cares about you.

Someone who thinks you're amazing and awesome.

Someone how broke up with his girlfriend for you.

Someone who loves kissing you.

Someone who trusts you like nobody ever has.

You can't lose him.

So you tell yourself he'll wake up. Just like you told Gabe and Helen.

Because he needs to hear the words for real.

He needs to know.

And maybe it's stupid. Kissing someone who can't feel it. Who won't know if he wakes up. But it feels right.

And it feels good doing it in a public place. Like any other person would.

So you linger above him and there's just the beep from the machine.

Just you and him for a second.

And it's peaceful until it isn't.

Until you see him. His dad, standing there, by the window. Petrified.

And his face says everything until he looks away.

He can't even look at you.

And you know.

You know he's seen you.

You know what you've just done.

You know you've fucked up.

You know what Lukas would say. Or will say.

You know he wouldn't be happy.

Won't be happy.

And his dad seems to be in shock. No surprise there.

He just stands there and leaves.

You look at Lukas again and you're scared. You're not sure what to do. But the truth is that there's nothing you can do.

You just can't change it.

What's done is done.

There's no going back.

And you're gonna have to deal with that.


End file.
